Monday, July 16, 2012

Making The Grade Is Not Enough


One sunny morning two weeks ago I awoke early with a cheerful disposition. (This may seem normal to you but the words “early” and “cheerful” along with “morning” are about as rare as a blue moon in my life.) “Today is the day!” I said with a smile as I jumped out of bed. “Today is the day I will go down to the courthouse and close this chapter of my life!” So I got dressed and skipped my way downtown. I prayed all the way, “God I know you’ve drawn this divorce process out for a purpose, but I am praying boldly and faithfully that you will wrap this up…today!


I turned a corner to get in line for some free legal help. After nearly two hours in line my sunny disposition had not changed. I was so hopeful. I stepped up to the counter, explained my situation to a quizzical woman. She took my paperwork and came back a few minutes later. “I’m so sorry,” she said as my heart sank, “but the only person who can guide you in this matter is on vacation. I’m afraid you’ll have to come back in two weeks.”


My fellow divorcees in line looked at me with such sad faces “We’re so sorry!” they said, hoping for better for themselves. “It’s okay,” I told them, “what’s two more weeks?” But as I walked away down the hall, with each clickety clack of my heels, my heart was singing a much less hopeful song. “But God I was so sure, and I prayed with boldness like you word tells me to. I’ve done the things you’ve asked me to. My heart has changed. I’ve learned contentment. I’ve been sharing your love with others. I just don’t understand.”


Friend, I’d like to tell you that I’ve had a divine revelation in the last two weeks—but I haven’t. I’d like to say I know exactly why God is holding this back still—but I don’t. But you know what? That’s okay—really, I mean it—it’s okay! God has taught me about loving Him, following Him faithfully, being content and being patient. Through this last year He has taught me these things and maybe, just maybe, He is testing my faith to see whether or not I will walk the walk. It’s one thing to study hard and regurgitate the right answers on the test—but months later, do you still remember what you learned in class, can you apply it to your life and actually use it? Or did you just study enough to get by, and now all that time spent in class was a complete waste because you don’t remember a thing?

There it is! Did you catch that? There it is! The revelation I have been searching for—it’s not enough to simply pass the test—no, we must continually study and put into use what we have learned, lest we completely forget it and have to go through the class and test again. I am reminded of a scripture in the book of James, chapter one, verses 22-25.22 Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. 23 Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror 24 and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. 25 But whoever looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues in itnot forgetting what they have heard, but doing it—they will be blessed in what they do.

I’m in tears, God is so good. He is a perfect Teacher. He doesn’t just want us to get good grades; He wants us to actually use the wisdom He gives us. He doesn’t want us to continually struggle with the same things over and over. He desires for us to blossom and grow, to produce fruit, to move on to the next class.

I have my prerequisites for life; I have passed the beginners class. But do I remember enough from it to pass the next?


I know that this is about walking in faith, about persevering through long suffering and continuing to be hopeful and have faith. Like Jesus said, Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you.” (Luke 11:9). Jesus says don’t give up! Keep going, no matter how many times you have to pound on the door, eventually someone will get up and open it!

As I read Luke 11:9 and I prepare to go again to court I am reminded of the story Jesus shared about the persistent widow in Luke 18: Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up. He said: “In a certain town there was a judge who neither feared God nor cared what people thought. And there was a widow in that town who kept coming to him with the plea, ‘Grant me justice against my adversary.’
“For some time he refused. But finally he said to himself, ‘Even though I don’t fear God or care what people think, yet because this widow keeps bothering me, I will see that she gets justice, so that she won’t eventually come and attack me!’”
And the Lord said, “Listen to what the unjust judge says. And will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off? I tell you, he will see that they get justice, and quickly…

You know what I really love about that scripture? The part that says the purpose of the story Jesus shared was to encourage His disciples to “always pray and not give up.” You see, faith is easy when you get what you want. But it’s a heck of a lot more challenging when every door you try to open is locked. But don’t be discouraged! Jesus wants us to use what we learned, to continue to walk in faith, to keep knocking, to keep seeking, to “prove ourselves by our purity, our understanding, our patience, our kindness and our sincere love…” (2 Cor. 6:6).

Lord, I pray that I will remember Your Word and all that You have taught me and brought me through. I know that the greatest way to remember is to continually read my Bible and pray. Forgive me for being lazy and not studying enough. Help me Lord to be successful in this longsuffering—to keep knocking, to keep seeking—knowing that You will deliver justice to me. I know that every day and every moment has a purpose. I know that all things are working together. You are God, I am not. When I prayed for you to wrap things up “today” what I was really saying was “wrap this up my way”. Forgive me Lord, may Your will be done, not mine. For I know that You have used this to make me new. So now my God I pray, please wrap this up Your way. However long it takes or whatever I have to do—I know it’s in your hands. I don’t need to worry. You will deliver me. I have faith and I boldly pray that you will go before me. Please set me free and help me to move on. But more than anything Lord, use this time in my life to draw me close to you—no matter the cost.


So I will keep knocking and seeking for my God has told me that He will ensure justice for me, and quickly—and wouldn’t you know it, my two weeks is almost over…


Be encouraged my friends, be encouraged my soul!
Love,
Amanda

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Learning to Fly

I’ve been blessed with a second chance at life; a second chance to love, to live, and decide who I am and for whom I stand. God has graciously lavished me with wisdom and pruned my sinful ways and my past life. And now like a mother bird who has equipped her baby with what she needs, God pushes me out of the nest and yells after me “Remember to spread those beautiful wings I gave you, and FLY!”
I tumble down parallel to the tree, gravity pulling me towards the earth. I smack a branch on the way down. “God, why would you do that to me?! I’m not ready for this!” I shriek as I plummet down, the earth getting closer. I hear shouting behind me, what did He say? The world is a blur of images around me. Suddenly His words are crystal clear in my mind, He’s been teaching me for so long, how could I forget this so quickly? Only mere yards from hitting the ground, a saving grace of wind swirls around me and I spread my wings, lifting me up towards the sky. I’m flying…I’m flying!!! I swoop victoriously through the air, reveling in my newfound victory as I beat my wings and victoriously turn towards my Maker in the heavens. Thank you my Lord, I never would have flown if you hadn’t pushed me.”
“His divine power gives us everything we need for life and godliness.” 2 Peter 1:3
God has given me the power to do some truly amazing things—things I never thought possible. The biggest hurdle He has equipped me to overcome is living a single life. (It has been nine years since I was last single.) I used to think I needed a man—literally needed him. I was afraid to be alone. I was afraid to not have a companion. My happiness and sense of self-worth were completely and hopelessly tied to him. And worst of all, so was my faith. I sacrificed growth with God and traded it for an unhealthy relationship with a man who was not walking with God. Oh, but it wasn’t a waste of time—God has a way of turning our mistakes into our greatest lessons and using them to forever change us.
Being alone used to be my biggest fear…it’s not anymore. The past few months I’ve learned what it means to truly have a relationship with Christ. I’m not talking tradition. I’m not talking “I do it because I’m supposed to” or “because I have to” or “because that’s what my family wants me to do”. No, no, no…baby I’m talking ‘bout LOVE, L-O-V-E; the kind that makes you stay up late just so you can talk about nothing; the kind that makes you swoon and sing silly songs; the kind that you think about first thing when you wake up; so madly in love you’d drive any distance to see them, buy them any trinket just to make them smile; I’m talking head-over-heels, so this is real, bubbly feelings, giddy, excited, serious, committed LOVE.
YES! I am completely and madly in love with a man who changed my life and His name is JESUS. He has blessed me. He has planned what is before me and my heart is in His hands. I need not fear loneliness, because I have the One who will never leave me.
Wow. Getting to this point has been quite a journey, a tear stained and traumatic journey that I wouldn’t trade for anything. Because now I have my prize: now I firmly grasp what it is to be in LOVE and CONTENT in Jesus Christ, and nothing, no-thing could ever be greater than that.
I’m not saying that I don’t want to fall in love with a man someday, surely as my blood is red and the sky is blue I do! But what I’m saying, is that I’ve finally come to a place of contentment with being single. I enjoy my time alone—in fact, I look forward to it! I embrace myself, and I am learning to love me. My happiness is no longer dependent on someone else. My self-image and sense of worth is not dependent on whether or not he compliments my outfit or if his eyes wander the room. No. It’s me, just me and I am happy being me. I have time for me, and things and people I love. I don’t have to worry about him or check up on a story to catch a lie. I have time to grow in Jesus and have removed the stumbling block that kept me from doing so.
God has taught me what it means to be content and find joy in any and all situations. He has shown me how to stand for Him on my own. I think this is one of the many important lessons God wanted me to learn through all of this—that I must learn to stand firm in the faith by myself before I can stand with someone else.
I am so thankful that God has brought me through all that He has, and that He has revealed such wonderful wisdom to me. I can confidently stand as a single woman, holding on to each day as a gift and being thankful for every moment! I pray that you too would open your heart to what it is God is trying to teach you, and that you too would know the peace of contentment in all situations; and that when God pushes you out of the nest, you won’t fight the wind, but instead embrace it and use it to your advantage—fall in love with Jesus and learn to fly!

Be encourage my friends, be encouraged my soul!
Love,
Amanda

p.s. Here is a video of my favorite song right now, "Beautiful You" by Trent Monk. It's the sweetest love song to Jesus that makes my soul sing out and makes me want to dance around. You can't listen to this and not smile. I dare you.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Arriving

“She is clothed in strength and dignity and she laughs without fear of the future.” Proverbs 31:25

Click-click-click-click-click…on and on go the menacing sounds of the suspenseful ride and gradual incline to the top of the track, all-the-while I’m holding my breath waiting for the unavoidable sudden, stomach clenching drop. I know it’s coming, but I can’t avoid it, it’s too late. I’m already on the coaster, buckled in and in motion. There’s no stopping what is to come…
A brief peaceful moment atop the track, overlooking everything, then in one split-second the wind gushes and blows me back, plummeting seemingly out of control to what surely must be the end. The wind rips tears from my eyes and streaks them across my face. I scream in fear of the unknown and cry out for it to stop, but the coaster continues its journey on. It must finish what it set out to do.  
After the horrific drop down, a wave of relief comes, but it’s short lived. A violent swing of momentum pushes the ride up, up, up, only to pummel back down, then up, and down, going through loops and twists with no sign of relief anywhere to be found on this strange and hopeless ride.
I gaze around but everything is a blur. How did I get here?  How did things get so out of control? God I can’t do this. I need you, please help me! My stomach is in knots and at any given moment I might just hurl everything I’ve ever eaten all of this whole train. When will this end? I think to myself.
As the ride continues I get smarter and learn to brace myself for the coming twists. I learn to look ahead to learn how to react to the different pieces of track. I try not to look too far ahead lest I get overwhelmed and panic, forgetting all I’ve been through and all I’ve learned to make it through.
I learn to cope with the sudden drops and constant blasts of wind. And just when I’m starting to accept the fate of this ride— WHAM the train slams to a stop and I’m pressed hard against the harness, hair windblown around my face.
Slowly the train lurches forward , bewildered I sit back it my seat as my train comes into the loading zone and my hardness clicks open. I pull myself up out of the train and walk to the glowing “exit” sign. As I stop to catch my breath, I look back at all the terrified people in line on the other side. And with a victorious smile I wave confidently to them and bravely proclaim, “It’s not that bad!”
Then I turn and leave for the next coaster, knowing that I can conquer that one too, because hey, I just did the impossible, something I never thought I could and now I stride on with joy and peace, laughing evermore, “bring it on!”



You’ve probably guessed by now that this story is a metaphor of my life this past year. In every way it truly has been a roller coaster. Yes, I’m still going through this divorce, but I feel like my train has come back to the loading zone. I’ve finally made it through the terrifying track, through the deep depression and into a meadow of contentment.
God has blessed me abundantly and taught me more in this past year than I have learned in my whole life. He has taught me about pain, about listening to and following His voice (not my own), He has taught me about perseverance, patience, contentment, grace, mercy, and love. In short, through the tribulation of losing my husband, God has revealed His true heart and His divine nature to me. When I thought there was no way, Jesus showed me His way. When I thought love was a lie, God unmasked the truth.
As I pull myself out of this coaster I am a new woman. I am no longer the scared girl that embarked on this journey. Through the twists and turns, the sudden drops and the fear—God has created me a new being.
I glance back at the roller coaster, and against all odds, I smile and I boldly pray “thank you for the ride,” because I know that although this was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, it was also the greatest. I see where I am now, on the other side and I wouldn’t change a moment. Because here I am, I have arrived…

“If anyone is in Christ, they are a new creation. The old has gone away—behold! The new has come.” 2 Corinthians 5:17